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Sunday, March 20, 2011

Apologies

The worst kind of apology is that which is said under duress with little or no conviction, remorse, or understanding of the offensive nature of the action in question and furthermore provides no plan to rectify the injury caused.

We all know the scenario: Sibling1 hits/pinches/bites/teases Sibling2, Sibling2 screams and cries, parent scolds Sibling1 and insists that Sibling2 receive an apology, Sibling1 angrily shouts/inaudibly whispers/sarcastically spits out an "I'm sorry," accompanied by an eye-roll/stuck out tongue/crossed fingers.

It seems we never really grow out of this routine. Too often, this half-hearted, coerced apology is the sort we see following blunders and gaffs that are race-related. They are what are known as non-apologies. They often include the initial words "I am sorry" but then go on to detail how the original action was not intended to offend, or that it was taken out of context, or that it was taken the wrong way. The problem is that none of these statements actually address the original action or the apologizer's culpability.

What is worse, non-apologies will often shift the blame back on the victim: "you misunderstood me," "you are being overly sensitive." We often see phrases like "we are sorry that some people were offended," which really says nothing about the actions of the apologizer and everything about the "some people" that 'must just be overreacting'. The worst is when the perpetrator actually twists the situation as to make herself the victim, and the offend party actually ends up apologizing!

How would that work with any other wrong that someone might commit? For example, like blatantly cheating on a spouse: "I'm sorry, I didn't think it was offensive" (but it was!), "It wasn't my intention to hurt you" (but you did!), "I am sorry you feel like you were wronged" (but I was!), "You misinterpreted the situation" (but I didn't!), "You are making a big deal over nothing" (but I'm not!).  How would that make you feel? Would you feel like your feelings were respected? Or would you feel like your reality had be de-legitimized?

I wrote previously about Bush's non-apology, but here are some great examples of recent racial non-apologies (click image for details):
  
Radio Host Mocks Hmong Community With Racist Cover Song
We can do better than this. 

In the course of our discussions about our racial brokenness we will mess up (all have fallen short), so we might as well learn how to apologizes for those mistakes. Luckily, as Christians we already have a good basis for this process: we know that in Christ, we must confess our sins (own up to them), repent (be truly sorry in our hearts), and then change our ways (not just say that we will).

Maybe you honestly think the other person is being over-sensitive. So what? The pain is still there and it is still real. Give the benefit of the doubt, humble yourself, and apologize anyway--for the sake of the Gospel, and your relationship with that person.

Jimmy Johns gets it!
Maybe you honestly didn't know you were being hurtful, but if someone corrects you, own up to your ignorance about what constitutes racially offensive behavior--an ignorance which of course, in itself, is offensive. White folks are profoundly unaware of any history other than the one we tell ourselves, which is the root of all sorts of hurtful statements. But our lack of education isn't an excuse for the pain it causes, just simply and explanation.

So if (read: when) you trip up and find yourself in need of forgiveness, take the humble rout. Don't get defensive, or explain yourself, or downplay the situation. Rather, apologize, acknowledge your mistakes, take ownership for the ignorance out of which you made them, and work to improve yourself.

10 comments:

  1. Kate - This is an unbelievably great post with good timing. I think that the non-apology phenomenon is one that happens A LOT over just about everything in our society and most certainly in interpersonal relationships both distant and intimate. I've found that people are very much afraid of the vulnerability and accountability that comes with truly connecting to other people. Most often, we just use the people around us as mirrors to ourselves. We often open a conversation because we think we have a lot to say or because we feel the need to express ourselves and don't otherwise have an outlet. Or when it comes to relationships, "good" is often defined as the path of least resistance where happiness is measured by lack of conflict instead of the successful navigation of the inevitable bumps in the road. Too often we shy away from opportunities to better ourselves and connect to others simply because it would take a bit of humility and the admittance and acceptance of the truth that we don't really know people and we don't really know what they will do or say. Instead we rely heavily on our ability to predict and critique and in effect we truly limit our experience and deprive others of what we have to offer in fellowship. It's super sad if you stop to think about it! We're all together but we make ourselves so alone.

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  2. Thanks for the comment! Such good points!

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  3. A good resource on being a good ally: http://www.whattamisaid.com/2009/11/when-allies-fail-part-one.html

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  4. [I'm anonymous, just sort of.

    Just to be clear: "I'm sorry...." can have 2 meanings. One is an apology for....."; Such as "I'm sorry I hurt you; or I'm sorry I spoke before thinking of your feelings. The other is an expression of disappointment such as "I'm sorry your grandma died" or, more contentious, "I'm sorry you were hurt when your grandma died. The latter does not imply wrong doing or guilt. But does the former always imply wrong doing or guilt, or can you sincerely be "sorry that I hurt you" and at the same time "sorry that you were hurt". For example, I say "you have short hair." You are hurt by the comment because your hair has been a source of pain for you in the past, and you then educate me to that point. Now, I am of course sincerely sorry I said such a thing. But am I sorry I hurt you or am I sorry you were hurt?

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  5. sort of? heh....you would have been very anonymous if you hadn't sent me an sms asking when the comment would be moderated--haha! Well, no one else need know!

    Convoluted semantics here--let's see if we can unpack it a bit and if I understand:
    So true about the two meanings! I always think it is funny when some one responds to my "I'm sorry you're sick" with "well, it isn't your fault"! Clearly, a disconnect in the usage of 'sorry'!

    I think, by definition, the former meaning of 'sorry' (as an apology) implies guilt. Included in that dialogue can certainly be a 'sorry' in the nature of the second meaning (disappointment for you), but the first meaning is integral to any sort of 'mea culpa' statement. Otherwise you get the sort of non-apology hand-waving that we see so often from corporations ("We're sorry we lost business", politicians ("I'm sorry I got caught"), and individuals (I'm sorry you couldn't take a 'joke'"). In my opinion, meaning2 can supplement meaning1, but is no substitute if there is a wrong that still needs righting.

    Speaking to your example: perhaps what you really aught to be apologizing for (hypothetically) is not knowing me well enough to know that I am sensitive about my hair. It may have been an innocent mistake (as so often the racial blunders are), but it is still a reflection of a broken relationship--one that could be better between us. And the speaker usually has some fault in that to apologize for (even if there is blame to share).

    This is what I find most often to be the case about racial blunders--if the speaker had cared to learn the racial context and history of what she was about to say, the hurt could have been avoided. The resulting pain is as much about the majority's privilege to be oblivious to such things, as the act itself. Some white folks get indigent when black folk get 'so easily offended,' but I have found the white person usually does not have an understanding of why such a thing would be hurtful to begin with--which is itself hurtful. This is secondary to you're point, but I thought it worth mentioning.

    Great points! Hope I understood you.

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  6. sort of? heh....you would have been very anonymous if you hadn't sent me an sms asking when the comment would be moderated--haha! Well, no one else need know!

    Convoluted semantics here--let's see if we can unpack it a bit and if I understand:
    So true about the two meanings! I always think it is funny when some one responds to my "I'm sorry you're sick" with "well, it isn't your fault"! Clearly, a disconnect in the usage of 'sorry'!

    I think, by definition, the former meaning of 'sorry' (as an apology) implies guilt. Included in that dialogue can certainly be a 'sorry' in the nature of the second meaning (disappointment for you), but the first meaning is integral to any sort of 'mea culpa' statement. Otherwise you get the sort of non-apology hand-waving that we see so often from corporations ("We're sorry we lost business", politicians ("I'm sorry I got caught"), and individuals (I'm sorry you couldn't take a 'joke'"). In my opinion, meaning2 can supplement meaning1, but is no substitute if there is a wrong that still needs righting.

    Speaking to your example: perhaps what you really aught to be apologizing for (hypothetically) is not knowing me well enough to know that I am sensitive about my hair. It may have been an innocent mistake (as so often the racial blunders are), but it is still a reflection of a broken relationship--one that could be better between us. And the speaker usually has some fault in that to apologize for (even if there is blame to share).

    This is what I find most often to be the case about racial blunders--if the speaker had cared to learn the racial context and history of what she was about to say, the hurt could have been avoided. The resulting pain is as much about the majority's privilege to be oblivious to such things, as the act itself. Some white folks get indigent when black folk get 'so easily offended,' but I have found the white person usually does not have an understanding of why such a thing would be hurtful to begin with--which is itself hurtful. This is secondary to you're point, but I thought it worth mentioning.

    Great points! Hope I understood you.

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  7. Thanks for the comment! Such good points!

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  8. From What Tami Said:
    "I was waiting for my Italian Night Club at Jimmy John's when I spied a lesson on giving proper apologies. I paraphrase:

    1. I was wrong
    2. I'm sorry I hurt you
    3. How can I make it better?

    So simple. It's astounding so many public people apologize so poorly."
    http://www.whattamisaid.com/2011/06/from-vault-save-your-apologies-chris.html#more

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  9. Also relatedly, from Joy: http://bytheirstrangefruit.blogspot.com/2011/03/intervarsity-christian-fellowship.html

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  10. Regardless of your religious view on homosexuality, this apology from Jason Alexander is a pretty darn good example of how to apologies in a heartfelt and meaningful way: 
    http://outsports.com/jocktalkblog/2012/06/03/jason-alexander-offers-the-greatest-apology-in-history-for-gay-cricket-jokes/

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